In The Arms Of The Angel
by Beautiful Sinnocence
Summary: What went on in Angel's mind when he found Willow sitting in his lobby with the news of Buffy's passing, and how he reflected afterwards.


"In the arms of the angel."  
  
Authors Note: I do not in anyway own any of the characters. I do own the idea of what might have gone on in Angel's mind when and after, he found Willow sitting in the lobby, ready to share the bad news of Buffy's passing. I also do not own the lyrics to Sarah Mclachlan's songs. Plus, this is more than likely NOT done byt the time you read it. Sorry, busy with other stuff. Heh.   
  
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b'Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always one reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh beautiful release. Memory seeps from my veins. Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight.'/b  
  
There she was, sitting like a fallen angel, hands folded in her lap and eyes welled with tears. I instantly knew something changed. Something was wrong. That something was MY Buffy. The reason I came to get away. The reason why I couldn't sleep very often at night. She still possessed all of me. Heart, mind and especially my soul. She was my angel. Long blonde hair, bright green eyes that showed you the very depths of who she truely was; my saving grace.   
  
Willow had come to tell the bad news. The news that crushed me more than anything ever had. There was no preparing yourself for this kind of news. I had been the cause of many deaths. I had been the cause of so much suffering. But to be on the recieving end was justice for all I've done. But I didn't see it that way. All I saw was her. Buffy. Her smile, her radiant hair glimmering even under the dim lights of the Bronze or the dingy lights outside as we walked. We. That was what had been. We. Her and me. Together to a point where we thought it would last forever. She was right. We would always be forever. Not time, nor distance could ever change that. Soulmates born centuries apart. Soulmates that were to be enemies. Starcrossed lovers forever to be in suffering.   
  
b'In the arms of an angel. Fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear.'/b  
  
My world had come apart. Thread by thread it unraveled. Left me a mess of emotions. I wanted to scream and kill something. Someone. Mostly myself. I should have been there. At her side through everything and anything. I shouldn't have run away. That was exactly what I did. I couldn't bear the pain that came with the pleasure. To be so close to my saviour, yet so far. To look at her and know that there was never going to be an us. Los Angeles is where I ran to. A place I could hide behind. Mask all my lies with false truths. To pretend I was someone I wasn't. Someone strong, who was truely as weak as any man could be. My heart was as fragile as an infant. Only Buffy held it with care. Only she could break it, which she did. Always there to mend it again. Just as I had done to and for her.   
  
When Willow stood up, eyes falling freely from her saddned gaze, I knew what would come from her mouth. Yet it still hit me like a low blow. All the uneeded air was knocked from me in one swift hit. All the life I had felt died right then and there. I was broken at that moment. Falling to my knees, crying softly and loudly for her. Asking questions that could never be answered. For once in my life, I was utterly left in total darkness. Abandoned by the only one I knew, the only one that made me feel alive.  
  
b'You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort there.'/b  
  
I had to get away. To tear myself again from those that I cared for and be alone. To make amends for what I felt was my fault. If I had been there, maybe, just maybe, she would still be here today. How selfish I was and am. It wasn't her that had to go and jump. She had saved the world enough! To end her life meant for the rest of the world to live. She was a slayer, not a savior. It was suppose to be Dawn that had to save the world. But always like Buffy, she was the heroine. The one that came to calling when others were too scared. Others just like me.  
  
b'So tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn, there's vultures and thieves at your back, the storm keeps on twisting.'/b  
  
As I gathered myself from the others, made my way silently to my room, I relized that I was nothing without her. Even if she was miles away, she still completed me somehow. She was what I did right in all my decades of wrong. When I finally laid myself down, something struck me. I wasn't angry at her for going. It was as if something comforting had settled deep inside my tortured soul and I knew. I knew what the others wouldn't know until months from now.  
  
She was safe.  
  
Buffy was safe. Far from all the suffering. Far from the pain and torment of this world and life. She was truely amoung angels. Angels that would welcome her with tenderness far beyond any solace I could create for her. I knew this deep down. As I laid there, I felt her, I remembered her. That was all I could do for the time being. Just remember who she was to the world and who she was to me. That she was mine.   
  
I remembered the first time I let her know that she belonged to someone. That she belonged to me.   
  
"We can't know, Buffy. Nobody can. That's just the deal." That was what I said to her, reaching into my pocket . It had been her birthday and nothing had gone right so far. But I was determined to give her something that was as close to her beauty as a Botticelli painting. " I have something for you. For your birthday. I... I was gonna give it to you earlier, but..." I swallowed my heart and bravely showed her the ring. She looked speechless for the time being. Her eyes sparkled beautifully and she had an air of pure innocence about her right then and there. Of vulnerbility. Just the way she seemed to radiate under the pale moonlight was enough to leave me breathless, had I the need to breath.   
  
"It's beautiful." Her words were like silk, spilling from her lips with one wisp of air blowing them away. Never had I loved such a creature in all of my existance and never would there be another. No matter what. As she stood there, hand out for the ring, I explained to her what it was.   
  
"My people, before I was changed, they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... well, you know. Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this." I had slipped it on her finger and her smile grew wider. But the tears that were to come, came. They surfaced and she tried to blink them back. We couldn't do this. It was a point in our lives where things were going right. They were perfect. But Drusilla and Spike ruined it. I was going to have to leave. Leave all I ever wanted. I was going to have to leave her behind. Unfortunately, we didn't part. That same night I had her. Completely.  
  
I remember it as if it was yesterday.  
  
[ TBC ]  
  
( Feedback? Buffy_Anne_Summers_The_Chosen@Yahoo.Com ) 


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